Stop this nonsense!

My friend Joy.

How long is she gone now, I can't remember. I am living with her in my mind and continuously re-experiencing memories (like movies in hi speed) of my very dearest friend... thoughts of her drift through my days and too, my uneasy sleeps.  She has disappeared and now lives only in my mind.

I can hear her tell me to "stop this nonsense."

She was my nonsense monitor.

She was gorgeous and lovely beyond compare, and gracious, and smart and witty and talented and comforting. She was wise and compassionate, she was resourceful and patient. She was the lengthening factor for all my shortcomings. She was my courage booster, my reason to go on during the darkest days. She was my mood leveler and my check in with reality. She was above all, my most normal friend.

She was my confidant, my sister, my mother, my baby, my sounding board, and my inspiration. She was my spirit lifter, my guidepost during lost wanderings, my light in the darkness, my balance pole on the tight rope of life's journey.  She made me laugh... and made me think... and then she made me lunch. How she loved to cook. Can there be anyone ever to match the heavenly manna she set before us all? She made me understand that life can be cruel and that is just the way it is.

She made me listen to many an Opera; she shared her family, her home, her food, her friends, her time and some of her innermost secrets.

When I describe Joy to anyone outside the family circle, I tell them she's the only one I know who managed to raise two absolutely perfect children!

How we laughed the day Adam and Yoonjoung walked away, hand in hand, down the sloping lawn towards the lake in Bovina planning their wedding and life together, leaving behind, a trailing scent of the delicious elixir of their happiness. Our laughter and giggles were wordless and in fleeting glances filled with giggles as we shared the knowing of their trials to be hurdled in their journey ahead....  What great joy for her to see her number one son choose, at last, the one! Of Yoonjoung, Joy, she thought the world. She was the one she wanted her son to marry... though to this moment, I doubt she ever told that to anyone.

And Kim, her gorgeous daughter... she told me how pleased she was that Kim had matured so well and grown to be "quite a gal!" She never bragged, was quiet, and private and quite conservative but in silent dignity, so very proud of her children, and their spouses and the kids they bore.

In speaking of Jack she'd always begin with "That, Jack," and of Mia, as "My girl, Mia... she will surprise us all!" Kate was "Her singing, dancing, special angel" and Luka "Her fine young man, so handsome and smart!"

She truly looked forward to seeing her family and spending time with them. The love and devotion that both her children and spouses shared with her over these past two years especially was most incredible. I know how very happy it made her to be with them and I tried to leave space for them to all be together alone. It is sometimes difficult for an outside the family member to come and go without being in the way. I know how important that time together was for her and I am so happy that it was filled with many fond memories and much love.

Shortly before she went to the hospital she called and we spoke. "Oh" she said, "just what I did not want to do... to be a burden on my children... and here I am... in Adam's house... causing all this burden." And so... she was as Kim has said so well before me, so totally sympathetic to her surrounding beings... so respectfully considerate and accommodating, she danced off as quickly as might be possible given the circumstances, to her place in what for sure is gracious heaven.

Occasionally she'd speak of things from way back: from before the time that I had known her... when she romped Hawaii barefoot, of her childhood school days, of her Mom cooking, of her Father and his work... and when she moved to California, of her adventures touring Europe and singing... of when she left home and when she met Walter, when she had her babies, when she lost her sister. She must have for sure held a lot at bay as she rarely uttered a bad word about anyone... quite opposite, in the many ways, to my approach of, 'say it all - with a general lack of discretion.'  She was for the most part incredibly tolerant and lost it with me only once... over my indiscriminate use of a kitchen sponge... an event which pierced my heart and crushed me flat without the use of force or weapon.

She had a wonderful sense of humor, an easy laugh, and most notably, a remarkable ability to slide over the bumpy spots yet maintain her equilibrium. If we learn by example, I am "all the wiser," for having had her as a friend.

She loved her extended family and in each she looked for always and nurtured only, the good. She adored Bill and his sense of humor. He was great company... a pleasure to be with, how he'd made her laugh and always been available to help with pasting the house back together somewhere. Her wonderful nieces and nephews... unbelievable, standouts!... a most remarkable family bound together with special and enduring closeness. Jan and Fredda and their spouses and kids... she thought of as blessings in her life; she loved them dearly and spoke of them often with great love.

All of her family, she shared with me. How lucky am I!?  From this example, I have learned to nurture and maintain my own personal family ties... to try and keep my mouth shut and to put up with some of my rotten disgusting relatives.

I remember our outings, our trip to the Hamptons and the room we shared in a quite dilapidated guest house (the only thing available in the height of the season) in East Hampton. We nicknamed it: "Musty Manor." She sat on the beach with me (covered up, of course) and in great fortitude she read in silence without complaint... waiting with patience beyond all the strength I could ever have, for the glorious moment she would be 'outta that place'... without the feel or sight of sand anywhere! I live for and long for only, the seashore.. the sun and the sand, the waves and the water... and she... could not have cared less if she never stepped foot on a beach again!

Our winters in San Miguel were filled with laughter and day after day we wandered mindlessly. We trekked just about everywhere... and always sighed in delight upon returning in late afternoons, to the cool shaded courtyard of her house up there on the hill away from the maddening crowd. With peaceful abandon we'd have some tea and toast while watching the sunset from our safe haven next above, what I named the view: "rubble in the desert".... that made her laugh and laugh! During these winter stays in San Miguel we'd gather friends in for luncheons and do glorious dinner parties. We attended every mediocre event, show, recital, concert, play, craft fair, art exhibit and parade that took place in that town... and rested and read quietly on the lower level while the fountain water bubbled, when all else seemed frivolous. We rearranged furniture, we painted, we watched workmen come and go and waited and waited the endless wait, for help to show up. We made up new recipes and she prepared her famous Margaritas extrordinaire, to ensure that if dinner was not exactly top notch... her guests would be none the wiser!

We visited Charles and Soo and shared, like royalty, their gracious hospitality... their delicious over the top lobster dinner, their lovely home and their perfect nearby beach. We toured Shelter Island and Montauk, and traipsed downtown Naples and watched the sunset from the pier, we walked the woodlands of Canada, the trails in the Berkshires, we shared Martinis and lamb chops at Shun Lee - her most favorite! We floated in the lake at Bovina and rested on the decks and walked in the woods and sat always for meals, at the best table showcasing the view of the moment.

We baked breads and cakes and tackled innumerable projects usually involving yards and yards of something. I called her my perfect little Korean tailor! We played with make-up, we tried every hair product on the market. We took clothes in, we let them out. We hung up drapes and took them down. We went to movies, we dined and picnicked and gardened and fixed everything imaginable and explored and walked and talked and rested sharing silence.

And now, there is quiet. For me: not new... as I have learned to live in quiet and to know that there is an upside to silence. One can begin to hear more clearly, the origin or maybe better spoken of as the birthplace of ruminations... where... in silent communication at the innermost part of the soul all appears to be connected in harmony... the greatest music there is to be heard.

And now, Joy and I, we still talk. We speak in silence, we really do... and she is telling me quite simply to "Stop all this nonsense."


Joan Bennett