Lovely, lively, intelligent and gracious

Dear Adam, Kim, Fredda, Jan and all the others in your family,

My sister Susan passed on to me your message notifying her about Joy's death. My mother, Ruth, and I tried to find you all, when she wanted to send a book to Joy, but somehow, she had lost the address and phone number. We sent the book to the address where we thought you were, Kim, but it came back. I am so sorry that we didn't persist; it would have been a chance for my mother to talk with Joy again.

I haven't seen Joy for quite a few years now, but I loved her dearly (and your father, who was quite a guy, himself). I was fortunate to see her fairly often, here in New York, in the years when she still came here and visited with my mother, and even, with your father, totally by chance, more than fourteen years ago in the Catskills. We ran into each other at a market, and I was delighted to see them both.

Joy was so lovely, lively (sweet but with spice), intelligent and gracious, living up in all ways to her name. I enjoyed every minute I spent with her, and whenever she came to visit with my mother, and I was able to, I tried to spend a little time with her, too. She was such fun to know, and even after she became ill, she was the one who put on a good face, being cheerful and upbeat, despite her illness. In fact, she was the one doing the comforting (of my mother). It seems that was characteristic of her. I have a vivid picture of her in my mind, even after all these years.

I have to be grateful, too, for her having been such a great friend to my mother over decades. I know that my mother valued her, trusted and felt close to her in a way that she felt about very few people. What a blessing to us, as well, that she lived well beyond the prediction! I appreciate, too, your comment about the irony of her having had lung cancer, despite not smoking. A man I loved very much had the same thing. No two cases are the same, but it is a hard thing, regardless of the circumstances, and I am so sorry that Joy and you had to deal with it.

Of course, I can't say anything about Joy that you don't already know, so I just want to say that I hope that our families need not drop out of touch, that I am here for you, even though I don't know two of you at all and last saw Fredda and Jan when we were probably in our teens, or younger. I heard a lot about you, of course. Joy loved you so much and was so proud of you and spoke of you often to my mother. Then she told me. I felt as though I kind of knew you, too.

Susan will tell my mother the news, and we all shall be here to commiserate with her. I am fairly certain that you'll be hearing from her. You certainly shall, if one of us can galvanize her to act. But if you don't hear anything, or don't hear for quite a while, please don't take it as anything but an indication of my mother's failing memory and sense of time, of her inability, at times, to act as she would have done in earlier years, of the kind of sadness that can sometimes stop an action – even one you desire to complet – in its tracks. It certainly doesn't mean that she doesn't care, nor that she didn't love Joy with all her heart.

I am glad that Joy had a peaceful death among you, and that it was not too prolonged from the onset of her breathing troubles to the end. Still, merciful as the end may have been, I know that this is a great loss for you that nobody can diminish much. I am also more glad than you can imagine that Joy was among us all for so long. Everyone is unique, but she was truly memorable. She cannot be forgotten by anyone who knew her. I hope that may be some comfort in the days and years to come.

For Joy's sake, I send you the love that I wish I could have given to her more often,

Jane